To say my life these past two weeks has been on a roller coaster might just be the understatement of the year. In the span of the last two weeks we went back to school, lost one of K's aunts unexpectedly, found out we were finally pregnant, and lost that pregnancy. My heart is breaking right now in more than one direction.
K and I have been trying to conceive since I had a tubal ligation reversal surgery 2 1/2 years ago. I have gone through months and months of disappointment waiting to finally say, "Here comes #4!" Last week after waiting several days I finally broke down and took a test. In the back of my mind I thought I was late because of the stress of going back to school, but I was still hopeful that maybe, just maybe we were pregnant.
Let's just say you couldn't wipe the smile off my face when the test revealed itself with two beautiful dark little lines. I was overjoyed and shocked all at the same time. Cloud nine does not begin to describe the feelings coursing through my body. K said it figures that it would happen at this time of craziness in our financial lives. He figured I was pregnant before the test confirmed it.
I was dying to tell everyone. This had been wanted for so very long I wanted to tell anyone that would listen. K said we should wait for a bit to make sure things were okay. I conceded, but Thursday night he said why don't you just post it on Facebook. I knew I couldn't do that, but Friday morning I began telling my friends at school. There were hugs and tears. I couldn't shake the smile off my face.
K told his mom and dad Thursday night. His mom was already telling me about a crib she had seen at Costco. Big K said he was going to retire so he could babysit for us. K's mom J said, "No, the baby will live with us and they can come visit everyday." Joy was in all of our hearts.
Saturday started out great. I was sewing and getting things we had saved from the boys out of storage. The washing machine, sewing machine, and my hands were busy busy. Then my world came to a screeching halt. Spotting started. I literally looked up to heaven and said please don't take this away from me.
Panic filled my heart. I looked it up and found out it was not uncommon to spot, but my heart was worried anyway. Sunday continued and Monday the same. I called my OB's office and was told to go into the ER, since Dr. wasn't in the office that afternoon. The ER worked quickly to get labs and ultrasounds completed, but it took 4 1/2 hours to tell me what I already pretty much knew. I had lost this pregnancy. I was devastated, but didn't cry until I got back out to the car to call K.
Almost as quickly as it began, it was over. I don't know why things happen the way they do and I guess I never will. The old saying, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" keeps racing through my mind. I know we are never given more than we can handle, but seriously somebody up there thinks I can bear an awful lot!
I was embraced and surrounded by love from people all around me as I gave the news. People I work with that I am not necessarily close to came up to me with support and words of encouragement. I never realized how much the people around me care about my well being. It has helped my heart begin to heal more than they will ever know.
So today as my life is being redefined I am encouraged that hope and love are the best cures for any heartache you may feel. I have joined a band of mamas I never really wanted to, but I will be stronger because of it. My love for my husband, my boys, and the people that make the fabric of my life is stronger than ever. I have hope for a chance to carry another little one in my arms and no one can take that from me.
Being reminded of the power of faith, hope, and love is a finer thing indeed.
Still full of hope,
This post is linked to Finer Things Friday at Amy's Finer Things